Friendship Guest Post #4
This week’s post has been written by avid reader Maggie; Maggie suffers with bipolar 2OS, generalised anxiety, body dysmorphia, an eating disorder, OCD & boderline personality disorder so this post will of course contain discussions of these issues & things related to them.
So I am not sure where to start so I will just go from the beginning and see where this leads, you know? My name is Maggie… sometimes I also go by Storme, but that is neither here nor there. I am @slightningbane and @hybibliophilac. I am 26 years old. I want to blog more often, but I always get distracted. I work for a true crime podcast as a writer and researcher… so when I am not reading books, I am studying murder and crime scene photos. Really, I am a blast to have at parties. I don’t know how well to explain what is wrong with me… I have been diagnosed as bipolar 2 NOS, I have generalized anxiety, body dysmorphia, and disordered eating. I was also once diagnosed with OCD, and it is believed I may have borderline personality disorder. Already you are dying to be my friend, right?
I don’t know how to explain it, but there has always been something odd about me. Maybe it was because I was an only child who was painfully shy… but I would sequester myself away from the world with books. So I knew I was different, but I was not aware my brain was wired so much differently than most people. The diagnoses never scared me… they made sense, but it made aware I am not the same. I am an other, but that could also just be a label I give myself. Growing up, I would eat a lot at times. Or I would throw food away or spit it out. My body was split between this mindset of bingeing and purging because I did not know what else to do. Food is not my friend. Hunger is a feeling… thin is a skill. This has been the mantra echoing throughout my head. I never wanted to be overweight like the members of my family so it lead to me developing major body dysmorphia and disordered eating. And let me tell you, no one wants to be friends with the pessimist who never eats and judges others. I chose to push people away because it is easier than being for judged for how and what I eat. I have made friends over the years, but it is hard to be close with someone and explain how fucked up I am when it comes to eating and food.
I have been shy my whole life so I was never the one who was going crazy to make friends. I liked to be alone, reading books and just doing whatever. I would have friends, but there was never anyone I was super close to like you see in the movies and stuff. Maybe I missed out, but that just was never me. I have realized though now I have found my real friends when I am honest about who I am, and they keep me in check about my illnesses. Most of my friends now understand what I have been through and are supportive, but I have lost people who I thought would be there for me no matter what. I know it can’t be easy to be friends with me, but I would rather have true friends who support and understand what I am going through.
Okay so I am not going to say I am innocent too. I will not reply to messages for days and pick and choose who I talk to. In fact, I recently lost my best friend because they would not respond to me at all so I was like okay, and I just like cut them off. I have done this a lot, and I know it is not good. I think it is because of the BPD that I will split on someone, and I will justify it in my head though I know it is not a good thing. I have lost some good people, and that is my own fault. I hope to get better at this someday, because I don’t want to keep hurting people who have done nothing wrong.
I know my life will never be easy. No one else has it easy either. I try my best, but sometimes my depression will get the best of me and I just don’t want to function that day. But most people understand. I will tell them I am not having a good day, and they will leave me. For people who say I am just making it up, I know they are not who I need in my life. I am lucky to have a good partner I share my life with and some awesome friends. It takes works, but these people understand me and know they mean the world to me.
So yeah, life can suck. But when you have good people, they make it worth it. Especially when you learn to care about yourself, something I am getting better at each day.