Last Monday was supposed to be my first day back at uni but it was a total and utter disaster. I was rationing my pain medication as I was low and ended up walking out of my first lecture of the new year in tears because my pain was so ridiculous. I left uni, obviously. On my way home I went to pick up my prescription but it was only half complete… And of course, they messed up my pain killers. I sat in the pharmacy for two hours hoping that the staff would be able to sort my prescription out and when I was told I’d have to wait until the next day I completely broke down, which lead to the staff ushering me out with as much discretion as they could – I could barely walk and instead of causing a scene by calling an ambulance they called me a taxi and sent me home. The second I got through the door my body gave up because of the pain and I just sat there thinking how ridiculous my life actually is.
I’m nineteen and I struggle beyond belief just to get myself to and from uni without hurting myself and that’s just so fkd. Of course, I ended up having a hospital visit and missing my first week back. I’m due back again tomorrow and I’m fkin confused and scared and nervous. I want to go back because I’m ridiculously bored of doing nothing, I feel like my life is in limbo so I want to go back so I can get on with my education but what if I end up hurting myself again and I’ll be stuck in bed stupidly hurt AND BORED.
Its not even like I’m just dealing with the same stuff because I’m not. Apparently the lordosis in the bottom of my spine is putting pressure on my stomach and intestines which is messing up my pipe work – which is seriously uncomfortable. My periods also seem to be fkin up because of it too. What the hell does that mean for me? I feel like I’m waiting for a shitstorm to hit me, am I suddenly gunna end up with even more complications which will just lead to uni being even harder. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and its so painful to know there is a large chance my syringomyelia is going to mess up me getting my degree and then my plan to use it to get it syringos heard. I want to use my final year project to look into what the condition has done to our psychology, Christ knows we’re all ridiculously depressed. Part of me wonders if I should do my project on people with chronic illnesses?
Sigh. I have no idea what my future holds and one of my biggest fears is that all of this hard work and passion is going to go to waste because of this dammed condition. Tonight I hoped writing would make me feel better and I can’t figure out if it has or not.